*ends radio silence*

Sometimes I have a hard time balancing motivation with contentment. I want to have a game plan, and I believe in having goals to work towards and accomplish. I want to get my doctorate one day. I want to have a child one day. I want to visit all seven continents. I want to be my own boss. I have lists of goals scribbled in notebooks and saved to my documents and pinned to my bulletin board. I believe in goals, I believe in lifelong learning and I believe that self-motivation and embracing your individuality are keys to success. But what are these goals if not for each other? When a few weeks have gone by and I’m overwhelmed by my to-do list, I know I’ve lost sight of why I’m busy and instead I’ve just been. I don’t want to be someone who is so involved with where I’m going that I don’t appreciate where I am.

There is a passage in Saint-Exupéry’s The Little Prince where the prince comes across a railway switchman: a man who spends his days sorting out travelers as they rush back and forth between their destinations. As a train rushes by the Little Prince questions the switchman about the passengers inside:

"Were they not satisfied where they were?" asked the little prince. 

"No one is ever satisfied where he is," said the switchman. 

And they heard the roaring thunder of a third brilliantly lighted express. 

"Are they pursuing the first travelers?" demanded the little prince. 

"They are pursuing nothing at all," said the switchman.  "They are asleep in there, or if they are not asleep they are yawning. Only the children are flattening their noses against the windowpanes." 

It is easy to grow weary of traveling if we avoid responding to the diurnal beauty of where we currently are, and the originality of each interaction. I was driving to the post office this morning and I stopped to let a pedestrian cross the road.  He had cumulus-cloud hair and friendly eyes and he held his coat tight around him in protection from the cold. We watched eight other cars pass by before someone in the other lane stopped for him, and as the old man gave me a big wave and a thankful smile I felt instantly guilty. So often I am one of the eight cars- so determined to get to where I’m going that I miss the person right beside me...

Where are we going to so fast?

"i will never grow so old again"

           Last night I was listening to Astral Weeks.  I've been listening to Van Morrison's growly voice float off the stereo singing about "gardens all wet with rain" for as long as I can remember. That record is linked to so many happy memories from drastically different periods of my life and it has this way of muting whatever problems are currently nagging at me and instead causing me to reflect.  My birthday is next week, and when I look back at the last year, I'm smiling, and I'm smiling as I move forward into the next one.  This is not because I didn't make a whole lot of mistakes last year, and it is not because I am perfect and it is not because I have everything all figured out.  My contentment doesn't come with being 100% satisfied with myself and it does not mean I am finished improving.  I have made a lot of mistakes and unfortunately there have been many times I have acted selfishly and times I have hurt people when I could have helped them.  Yes, I am proud of the ways in which I've grown, but I am still determined to try harder and grow stronger.   This ease of mind does not come with surrender; instead, it comes with acceptance-- accepting that I am extremely blessed, accepting that there is a time for everything, and accepting that I can always find a reason to smile. 

Photograph by Audrey.